steppin’ out

Tonight I went out by myself for purely social reasons – the first time since Liam’s arrival. I had no guilt about leaving the kids home with Michael and going out to celebrate Ranae’s birthday. But I got out there, and suddenly, I felt lost. Maybe it was the crowded restaurant, or that I didn’t know some of the folks there, or that I’m in a constant state of exhaustion, but I felt out of my element. It was all I could do to carry on a halfway decent conversation. I savored that one glass of wine…the first I’ve had in over a year. Pinot grigio. I got shy – around my close friends! – and the fact that I was the only mother there seemed to float like a heavy cloud over me. My shirt felt lumpy, accentuated by the maternity support panel sagging around my waist. I had too much makeup on and not enough jewelry. I was sweating. I didn’t know what to talk about. There were interesting people all around me, and I couldn’t think of a good conversation starter. I was a zombie. All around me were fabulous people exuding confidence and great hair, and I couldn’t fully join in. I was out in public and yet not part of the public. I wanted to hide. Getting down to the last sip of wine was like being at the school skating party – the last song, one more earnest lap around the rink, hoping the cute kid will notice you, hoping the night ends on a high note, making it something to remember. It never happens, though. So you go home a little disappointed, ankles throbbing from the ill-fitting skates. And driving home tonight, listening to Dashboard Confessional, I realized that I’ll have to work a little harder to get my groove back.


About lindsay

just a girl, creator, reader, learner, homeschooler. wife to one and mother to two others. in the city and loving it. in pursuit of God and community.
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8 Responses to steppin’ out

  1. steve and randel hambrick says:

    maybe you just needed another glass or two of wine?? hehehe

    this is the bottom line– you wouldn’t trade where you are now for someone else’s shoes.. so you are tired, awkward, and uncomfortable.. but you have your best friend to go home to and two amazing babies!!
    and you probably even got to have sex– even looking all lumpy and sweaty 🙂

  2. Anna says:

    To quote this amazing woman I know…”sympathy and know that i think you’re fabulous and high-caliber, just as you are!”
    Let’s do coffee sometime soon.

  3. SpartnPrincess says:

    Awww L…I don’t quite know what to say. 😦 It’s kind of like the comment you posted on Anna’s blog about not knowing what to say to your single friends. You know? I am so glad you came tonight and I’m sorry that you felt out of place in the midst of it all. Your friend hit the nail on the head with “you got to go home to your best friend and your amazing babies!” and there is so much to be said for that. Love you, lady.

  4. lindsay says:

    thanks for attending my late-night pity party, girls….and what were you doing up so late??? 😉

    and randel…sex? come on! i haven’t even been to my 6-week checkup! hahaha.

  5. Abigail says:

    Isn’t it funny…we are all wanting something that we don’t have…a constant state of “If Only”. Kinda crazy really. Blog topic? I loved chatting with ou and thought you looked fab! 🙂

  6. amain says:

    Girlfriend, you have more groove now than I have ever even dreamt of having:)
    Add to that a GREAT husband and 2 way cute babes…you were the envy of everyone else there:)
    Miss You!!!
    And post more pix of Liam & Reese…

  7. caron says:

    hhahahahaha! get that groove back! i could totally relate to everything you were saying. man! what is it that makes a girl feel so loco after that kiddo pops out?! around her own pals, even!

    next time order a carafe. or something else.

  8. lindsay says:

    yes, yes – next time, more wine! 🙂

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